I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm angry and feel helpless. I don't think I've cried this much in my life. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the problems of this world that I don't know what to do or how to function. How can I live in my perfect comfortable American world when there is so much out there that isn't right?
Some days...I can't eat and I get consumed by the thoughts of those out there that don't have anything. I question in these times. Not that God isn't there and that it's his fault, but why we as a church haven't rose to the occasion and found a solution to help these people suffering, not only around the world but in our own neighborhoods. I know my ways aren't God's ways and he does have a plan. That's where I find hope and peace. Knowing that I serve a God whose heart breaks at the pain and suffering of this world. We serve a God that loves us and never leaves us. He is in the middle of the pain and suffering and cries with us.
But I don't know what to do...I don't have the words to say...I feel helpless...and I question...but God is good and it's in him I must put my trust. All I can do is my part in being part of the solution and praying for a solution. I pray that I wouldn't lose this "holy discontent". I don't ever want to become comfortable with what I have and the standards that the world gives us. I will change and help with a solution because that's all I can do. I pray that God would use my life not only to glorify him in all that I do, but to use me as his hands and feet to reach the unreachables and touch the untouchables so that they may know Jesus. I pray that he would ignite the passion in others and in His church so that social injustice won't happen any longer and that people would feel the freedom that comes with following Jesus.
When will this happen? I don't know...what can I do? Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck. I want so bad to hop on a plane back to Zambia...I miss it so bad it hurts. But I'm growing where I'm planted. I'm working on being Jesus' hands and feet where I'm at. I'm allowing God to shape me and stretch me through the turmoil and pain that I go through so that I may serve Him better. I don't want to forget or run away from the ugliness of our world because that's the easy thing for me to do but instead bring something beautiful to it...