I just finished up reading the book, Evolving in Monkey Town, by Rachel Held Evans and I’m so glad I did. Rachel Held Evans is a blogger/author that I really enjoy reading and sometimes I feel like she’s writing the thoughts right out of my head, other times I feel like she’s articulating things I couldn’t articulate myself, other times I read something she writes and I’m unsure of it so I struggle with it and think about what it means for me, and other times she shares her experience and it brings tears to my eyes because I know I’m not alone.
Evolving in Monkey Town was the last one for me. It’s a story of Rachel’s faith journey and her experience with doubt. I would say our backgrounds are a little different, but her journey of faith and the doubt she experienced are very similar.
I feel like doubts are something you’re not supposed to talk about, so I haven’t. I feel like if I tell someone I doubt something about God or Christianity then they’re going to think I’m going to hell. I feel like if I talk about the fact that sometimes I’m unsure of what I thought I knew about God, people will discredit me. I feel like if I share what I really think about things and how over the last few years the world has faded from black and white to grey, people will “question my salvation”.
I don’t want to be seen as a cynic. I don’t want to appear to be unsure. I don’t want to be understood as someone who doesn’t believe in God.
Rachel says this and when she said, it echoed across my soul and mind because it’s exactly what I feel. I don’t doubt God…I doubt what I know and believe about God.
Through reading this book and other things, I’m coming to accept my doubt and I don’t think it’s a bad thing.
Because of my doubts my faith has become stronger.
Because of my doubts I’ve realized it’s okay to say, I don’t know.
Because of my doubts I have had to realize what I really do believe.
Because of my doubts I have developed an openness I didn’t have before.
Because of my doubts I’ve realized this thing of following Christ and choosing to love Him and because of that love to love others well is a journey, always evolving, and there’s always more to discover. More to discover about the mystery God, the person of Jesus, more to discover about myself, others, and God’s creation.
I’m not ashamed of my doubts. I don’t have this whole faith thing figured out. It kinda worries me when people think they do. I don’t want to ever think I have it all figured out or know it all. I never want to stop asking questions.
Because I believe in a God that invites our questions, can handle our doubts and wants us to keep moving forward.