Out of Sorts.

Have you ever felt like you had it all figured out and then you didn't? Maybe that you knew exactly what you believed about that one thing and then you realized, wait, maybe I don't know what I think? Or that at one time the world was really black and white and everything you believed made sense...and then it didn't? Have you had doubts, felt more like you're wandering in the wilderness every Sunday morning rather than sitting in that comfortable church pew? My answers to all these questions? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. My faith has always been a part of who I am, but it has changed and evolved over the years. Sometimes it has made sense to me, other times it hasn't. Sometimes I welcomed the changes and sorting out with open arms and sometimes I clenched my fists and fought against the feeling that I need to let go of these ideas that I always thought were right. Sometimes I felt really alone, other times I felt like just when I thought it was just me out here wandering, I would see Jesus and a friend would come alongside me too. In her new book, Out of Sorts, Sarah Bessey is that friend.

Sarah Bessey is one of my most favorite authors and her new book did not disappoint. I think every other line is underlined and I've lost count of the number of times "yes!", "amen", and "me too" fill the margins. It's packed full of so much truth. It's her story of how her faith has evolved and how she has made peace with that, but through her story you are confronted with so much truth. Truth that makes you dig deep, that makes you reflect on your own story. Her words remind us that we're not alone and that God is oh so present in the sorting out. I see my story in her story.

It's hard for me to articulate all the goodness found within Sarah's writing so I think I'll have to do a series of posts about it, but whether she's writing about the Kingdom of God, community and friendship or the Church, her words drip with truth, life and light. It's clear her writing is Spirit led and this writing is necessary and important to us all. It made me feel less alone and has helped me make peace with my evolving faith and I think it will for you too.  Sarah explains what the book is about, "Really, it's a book about not being afraid. This is my way of leaving the light on for the ones who are wandering."

Sarah also says, "There are many of us out here sorting, I think. This might be a small candle, but I'll set mine on the lamp stand and you can set yours there too --- and maybe our glow will light the path of others." So join us on this lighted path so you can join your candles with ours and we can remember that we're not on this journey alone.

{I was lucky enough to be on the launch team for Out of Sorts, which means I received an advance copy of the book in order to review it and spread the word about it. I didn't receive any compensation for this, just the benefit of reading it so I can tell everyone how great it is and that you should buy it! You can find it on Amazon here.}

I was so excited to get the book! Seriously...go get your copy!!!

And just in case you need any more reason to love the book, there are the cutest printables with some of the themes from the book that you can find here.

26 Things.

It's my last day of being 26 and my 27th birthday is tomorrow. I guess I can really claim "late-twenties" now. I feel like I have no business being 27 and sometimes I feel like I'm still just a little kid, but then I look at all of my bills, student loans and remember that my ten year high school reunion is next year and I'm brought back to reality. I honestly am not bothered at all by getting older. I think aging is a beautiful thing because you get wiser and gain perspective, but for some reason 27 seems weird and kinda boring. It may be because I hate odd numbers and when do you hear of anyone saying...yes...that really exciting thing happened when I was 27! But I'm not going to judge this year of life that has not yet happened, but rather welcome it with open arms and hey, it could be the best year yet! 26 was a pretty good year...pretty mellow and consistent, but also stressful, hard and challenging at times. For the last couple years around my birthday I've made a list of things from the past year. So here are 26 things about my 26 year of life...

1. My nephew was born. This was a highlight since one of my greatest goals in life has always been to be an awesome aunt. The fact that Jonah Henry is the cutest, sweetest baby has made it even easier to love him. I just wish Seattle and Nashville were closer.

2. I finished my second year of grad school. I think I've lost track of how many books I've read, discussion posts I've made and pages I've written, but I've learned a lot and I've really enjoyed what I'm learning. I also have the best classmates and having the chance to be at residency in Philly with some pretty great people is always a good time!

3. I realized I can be creative. I have always thought I wasn't creative so I never really tried to be, but I'm realizing that's not true.

4. I got a new tattoo. After my first tattoo I knew I probably wanted another one, but wasn't sure if it was going to happen. I have a rule that I have to want the same tattoo for at least six months and it has to have lasting meaning...and this one met those qualifications so I figured, why not? This one hurt way more than the other, but it was worth it and I love it!

5. I've discovered new dreams and I'm excited for what the future holds.

6. I visited NYC for the first time!!! This was amazing and something I've dreamed about forever! Two of my friends and I went for just the day while we were at residency because we had a day off from class and even though it was really short it was worth it! I saw a lot of the touristy things, but I can't wait to go back sometime!

7. I was unafraid. Unafraid was my word for 2014 and there were many opportunities for me to be brave...I didn't always welcome them and it wasn't always easy, but it did end up being a year of being unafraid.

8. I saw Justin Timberlake in concert! For real, one of the best shows I've ever seen...like, seriously amazing. I may have turned into a 13 year old version of myself and freaked out a little, but I'm not even sorry about it. I also saw Usher in concert. Another incredible show! 26 saw a lot of other great shows too like Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. I also saw Wicked again and an awesome performance of Les Mis, oh and the CMT Awards, where I saw John Legend and I freaked out...oh my gosh, so many great shows in year 26!!

9. I discovered the greatness of essential oils. I'm not as much of a fanatic as some people about oils, but I do think they're beneficial and work.

10. Discovered this website. If you need a couple minutes to relax from the craziness you'll be glad you know about this now.

11. We took a family trip to Seattle and the Cascade Mountains. Leah and Jake graduated from graduate school and we made a whole trip out of it. It was so fun, so beautiful and so good to spend time with my family!

12. I jumped on the bandwagon and got hooked on the podcast Serial.

13. I've done hard work in counseling. I think being whole and healthy means taking care of ourselves emotionally and psychologically. My journey with counseling has not been easy and I've struggled through a lot of things, but the amount of growth and healing that has resulted has been worth every step.

14. Discovered and binge watched Parks and Recreation. Lots of different people have told me over the last couple years that I just had to watch this show, but I haven't until recently and I'm too embarrassed to write how many episodes I've watched. I think we can all learn a lot from Leslie Knope and some days I tell myself to channel my inner Leslie Knope when I'm feeling unmotivated or having a bad day.

15. I survived my first year of home ownership. Not gonna lie, I pray often that nothing breaks and I maybe freak out a little too much if it seems like something is breaking.

16. I attempted to create and break habits each month. This was one of those, "Oh my gosh this is a great idea and I'm going to do it every month" ideas, but it kinda fizzled out in the end. I made a list of some new habit I would create or break for each month, but between being weighed down with work, school and life and just completely forgetting I made the list, it didn't go too well. To focus on the positive, this did result in me eating healthier and making my bed every day. I can proudly say I've made my bed every day for the past six months (Mom, it only took me 27 years to do it, but aren't you proud!). I read somewhere that making your bed each morning is mentally good for you because it's one thing you've already accomplished before you have even really started your day and it's true!

17. I've realized how impulsive I can be and it's the worst.

18. You guys...I tried online dating. It's also the worst and just not for me...although very humorous and entertaining.

19. I got to witness and celebrate big moments in many good friends' lives. Babies were born, engagements and weddings happened and big life decisions were made. I love when my friends have babies and that they let me love them. One of my favorite things is celebrating big moments in my friends' lives.

20. I took a creative writing class from a community college. At the time it was probably not the wisest decision since I was already taking other grad school classes, but it fell mostly during my break in between classes and I enjoyed it so much it wasn't really like work.

21. I realized how important self-care is and that it's not selfish. I also want everyone to realize this. I think we would all be better, whole, functioning humans if we took better care of ourselves.

22. I had meetings about retirement funds and had to name beneficiaries for things. Those are weird moments and also are classified as "I guess I'm actually a grown up now" moments.

23. Marci graduated high school! I've had the honor of mentoring this lovely lady for the last couple years and it was so exciting to see her walk across that stage!

24. I made a personal strategic plan. I had to do this for a class, but it ended up being a great thing for me. It's a great way to incorporate your life's mission statement with your goals and vision.

25. Betsy and Ryan came to visit me! I love when people come to visit and it was so fun to have them here. They ran our 5K and saw the sites and it was a great time!

26. I uncovered even more of who I am. I think life is so exciting because there's always something more to learn and know about life, others and yourself. This year has been a big one for me in really uncovering who I am and who I am created to be and remembering to stay rooted in that.

26 was a pretty good year! I am always so thankful for all the things I'm able to do, but mostly for the people I get to do them with. Here's a great year of 27!

26 Things.

It's my last day of being 26 and my 27th birthday is tomorrow. I guess I can really claim "late-twenties" now. I feel like I have no business being 27 and sometimes I feel like I'm still just a little kid, but then I look at all of my bills, student loans and remember that my ten year high school reunion is next year and I'm brought back to reality. I honestly am not bothered at all by getting older. I think aging is a beautiful thing because you get wiser and gain perspective, but for some reason 27 seems weird and kinda boring. It may be because I hate odd numbers and when do you hear of anyone saying...yes...that really exciting thing happened when I was 27! But I'm not going to judge this year of life that has not yet happened, but rather welcome it with open arms and hey, it could be the best year yet! 26 was a pretty good year...pretty mellow and consistent, but also stressful, hard and challenging at times. For the last couple years around my birthday I've made a list of things from the past year. So here are 26 things about my 26 year of life...

1. My nephew was born. This was a highlight since one of my greatest goals in life has always been to be an awesome aunt. The fact that Jonah Henry is the cutest, sweetest baby has made it even easier to love him. I just wish Seattle and Nashville were closer.

2. I finished my second year of grad school. I think I've lost track of how many books I've read, discussion posts I've made and pages I've written, but I've learned a lot and I've really enjoyed what I'm learning. I also have the best classmates and having the chance to be at residency in Philly with some pretty great people is always a good time!

3. I realized I can be creative. I have always thought I wasn't creative so I never really tried to be, but I'm realizing that's not true.

4. I got a new tattoo. After my first tattoo I knew I probably wanted another one, but wasn't sure if it was going to happen. I have a rule that I have to want the same tattoo for at least six months and it has to have lasting meaning...and this one met those qualifications so I figured, why not? This one hurt way more than the other, but it was worth it and I love it!

5. I've discovered new dreams and I'm excited for what the future holds.

6. I visited NYC for the first time!!! This was amazing and something I've dreamed about forever! Two of my friends and I went for just the day while we were at residency because we had a day off from class and even though it was really short it was worth it! I saw a lot of the touristy things, but I can't wait to go back sometime!

7. I was unafraid. Unafraid was my word for 2014 and there were many opportunities for me to be brave...I didn't always welcome them and it wasn't always easy, but it did end up being a year of being unafraid.

8. I saw Justin Timberlake in concert! For real, one of the best shows I've ever seen...like, seriously amazing. I may have turned into a 13 year old version of myself and freaked out a little, but I'm not even sorry about it. I also saw Usher in concert. Another incredible show! 26 saw a lot of other great shows too like Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. I also saw Wicked again and an awesome performance of Les Mis, oh and the CMT Awards, where I saw John Legend and I freaked out...oh my gosh, so many great shows in year 26!!

9. I discovered the greatness of essential oils. I'm not as much of a fanatic as some people about oils, but I do think they're beneficial and work.

10. Discovered this website. If you need a couple minutes to relax from the craziness you'll be glad you know about this now.

11. We took a family trip to Seattle and the Cascade Mountains. Leah and Jake graduated from graduate school and we made a whole trip out of it. It was so fun, so beautiful and so good to spend time with my family!

12. I jumped on the bandwagon and got hooked on the podcast Serial.

13. I've done hard work in counseling. I think being whole and healthy means taking care of ourselves emotionally and psychologically. My journey with counseling has not been easy and I've struggled through a lot of things, but the amount of growth and healing that has resulted has been worth every step.

14. Discovered and binge watched Parks and Recreation. Lots of different people have told me over the last couple years that I just had to watch this show, but I haven't until recently and I'm too embarrassed to write how many episodes I've watched. I think we can all learn a lot from Leslie Knope and some days I tell myself to channel my inner Leslie Knope when I'm feeling unmotivated or having a bad day.

15. I survived my first year of home ownership. Not gonna lie, I pray often that nothing breaks and I maybe freak out a little too much if it seems like something is breaking.

16. I attempted to create and break habits each month. This was one of those, "Oh my gosh this is a great idea and I'm going to do it every month" ideas, but it kinda fizzled out in the end. I made a list of some new habit I would create or break for each month, but between being weighed down with work, school and life and just completely forgetting I made the list, it didn't go too well. To focus on the positive, this did result in me eating healthier and making my bed every day. I can proudly say I've made my bed every day for the past six months (Mom, it only took me 27 years to do it, but aren't you proud!). I read somewhere that making your bed each morning is mentally good for you because it's one thing you've already accomplished before you have even really started your day and it's true!

17. I've realized how impulsive I can be and it's the worst.

18. You guys...I tried online dating. It's also the worst and just not for me...although very humorous and entertaining.

19. I got to witness and celebrate big moments in many good friends' lives. Babies were born, engagements and weddings happened and big life decisions were made. I love when my friends have babies and that they let me love them. One of my favorite things is celebrating big moments in my friends' lives.

20. I took a creative writing class from a community college. At the time it was probably not the wisest decision since I was already taking other grad school classes, but it fell mostly during my break in between classes and I enjoyed it so much it wasn't really like work.

21. I realized how important self-care is and that it's not selfish. I also want everyone to realize this. I think we would all be better, whole, functioning humans if we took better care of ourselves.

22. I had meetings about retirement funds and had to name beneficiaries for things. Those are weird moments and also are classified as "I guess I'm actually a grown up now" moments.

23. Marci graduated high school! I've had the honor of mentoring this lovely lady for the last couple years and it was so exciting to see her walk across that stage!

24. I made a personal strategic plan. I had to do this for a class, but it ended up being a great thing for me. It's a great way to incorporate your life's mission statement with your goals and vision.

25. Betsy and Ryan came to visit me! I love when people come to visit and it was so fun to have them here. They ran our 5K and saw the sites and it was a great time!

26. I uncovered even more of who I am. I think life is so exciting because there's always something more to learn and know about life, others and yourself. This year has been a big one for me in really uncovering who I am and who I am created to be and remembering to stay rooted in that.

26 was a pretty good year! I am always so thankful for all the things I'm able to do, but mostly for the people I get to do them with. Here's a great year of 27!

One Word for 2015.

It's that time of year again, a New Year. It's hard to believe it's 2015! The holidays were a whirlwind for me and I didn't have much time to really think back on the year or think ahead to the next, but luckily, I had an eight hour car ride to let my mind and heart go for a little bit. For the last two years I have chosen a word for the year. Each time it is a word that I thought about a lot and that I wanted to encompass the essence of the year ahead. There's actually a whole community that does this. I love this practice and have been thinking and praying about my word for 2015 for the last couple weeks. I have realized that I need to be careful with this choice because if the last two years were any indication...the word I choose really does make itself known throughout the year. 2013 was about confidence and this last year about being unafraid. Pages and pages could be filled with how I have gained confidence and the opportunities I have had to be unafraid, but for the sake of saving time I won't go into that here.

I will carry those words with me as I travel into this next year. 2015...the year of balance. Balance did not make my initial brainstorming list of words for 2015, but it came about during a talk with someone who knows me well and is willing to ask me the hard questions. I kept passing it over for other ideas I had (this seems to be a theme for these words that I choose...I avoid them at all costs at first), but I began to realize everything else I thought to encompass the year ahead would come...with balance. So the root of it all, balance.

My hope and prayer is that in 2015 I would create balance in my life. I don't think it's something that needs to be found, but is something that is created and realizing I have the ability within my own life to create that balance...

Balance between dreaming for the future and being present in the here and now.

Balance between when I should say yes and when I should say no.

Balance between work and rest.

Balance between saying too much and not saying enough.

Balance in work, school, friends, family and life.

Balance in boundaries and expectations, reality and ideals.

 Balance between caring too much and not caring enough.

Balance between moving forward and staying right where I am.

Balance in what I know to be true and what I'm still seeking after.

Balance in pouring out to others and pouring into myself.

Balance between holding on and letting go.

Balance in wanting to do a lot of things but realizing I can't do everything.

The list could go on and I hope to share more about my journey and the opportunities I have in creating balance this year. Here's to a balanced 2015!

Whole.

Today I hit a milestone and I am really excited about it. It's not like the jumping for joy, look what I did excitement, but more of a I feel at peace and feel like I can kick back and relax and it enjoy it kind of excitement. It took a lot of work to get here and it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Almost a year ago exactly I started counseling. I wrote more about that here, but it has been quite a journey. I'm not shy about sharing my experiences with counseling and how beneficial I think it is for anyone and everyone and that it's been one of the best decisions I could make for myself. I highly recommend it.

About six months ago I started a type of therapy called EMDR, it's kinda hard to explain, but it's a process that helps you let go of painful memories, experiences or beliefs and helps remove negative cognitions that one has always had through stimulation resembling REM sleep. This stimulation helps your brain process things and resolve feelings and beliefs not yet resolved. Sometimes I just explain it like magic because of how effective it is and I don't really understand how it works so well, your brain and what it can do is cool, you guys!

Today I finished EMDR and boy, has it been a long journey! I'm not quite sure I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to try this. At times I thought I was going crazy, other times I never knew I could feel so many things, at other moments I wanted to quit, and most of the time I knew it was exactly what I needed.

One day within this process my counselor told me, everyone desires to be...I thought she was going to say happy, but she didn't, she said...everyone desires to be whole. And I thought, yes! That is so much better than just being happy. That is what I want, I want to be whole. I want to live my life making healthy choices that contribute to my wholeness. Yes, I want to be happy, but I know that's a fleeting feeling that is based on circumstances, but being whole is not. Being whole is knowing who you are, loving who you are, knowing that you're someone who is always growing, evolving and learning, showing yourself grace, acknowledging all that you feel, and the freedom to claim and live into your story and out of your wholeness loving others well. I want to be a whole person, that is what I desire.

Today's milestone of completing EMDR in counseling in no way says, hey I made it! I'm whole and that's it! I will always continue to improve myself, to continue to be healthy so that I can continue to be whole, but today I am excited that I have hit a milestone on this journey. I have shed a lot of tears, done a lot of work and gone through a lot of crazy to get here, but it's worth it.

I think if we asked a lot of people what they want it really can come down to wanting to be whole. Whole people, complete people, knowing who we are and staying true to that. I am so incredible thankful that this process has been such a huge part of my life and my wholeness.

So as I sit here, kicked back and relaxed, excited about this completed milestone, I'm thankful for the fact that it is because of this that I can continue to be the person I want to be on this great journey of life creating and living the story I know I am meant to live.